When I was in sixth grade, I went to visit my father in Chicago and had my first anxiety attack while at my dad’s work. I rushed to the bathroom and burst into tears. I couldn’t understand my emotions and called my mom to vent. Throughout the next four years, I experienced ups and downs but nothing severe.
As I started sophomore year of high school my father got really sick and passed away. This sparked my anxiety and depression and kicked it into overdrive. After days of feeling “off” and unlike myself I crossed into interesting territory. I didn’t spend a waking moment not thinking of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I felt tired being awake and restless when I was asleep. I didn’t want to die, but I also didn’t feel like I could withstand being alive anymore.
At that point my mom took me to a psychiatrist and Dr. Grabois said that I was “clinically depressed and had generalized anxiety disorder” or as I like to call a little bit extra sparkle. I thought she was gonna tell me to see a therapist and exercise more just like every other doctor I had seen. Instead she gave me 10mg of Lexapro and told me to take it with food and water everyday.
At first I refused. I refused to be that medicated freak that was either strung out or a zombie at school. I would tell my mom I took it and instead walk around like a zombie anyway because I couldn’t concentrate on anything but my anxiety. I finally caved and started religiously taking my medication. I fell off a few times because it didn’t work right away. I went back for a checkup with Dr. Grabois and she told me it wasn’t like Xanax, it had to be worked into my system. I then tried to trust the process and thank god I did because I thank Lexapro for keeping my life in order.
As time went on I became more and more comfortable with the idea of being “medicated” and started talking about it to friends and family. As it turns out, almost everyone you know is, has been on, or should be on meds. It is not something that should be stigmatized or thought of as “the easy way out”. People who take medication should be commended for putting their mental health and overall well being first. Not enough people do it, and it negatively affects every aspect of their lives. They struggle to openly communicate in relationships, have a hard time at work, and have trouble succumbing to intimacy the way a “normal” person should.
Medication has helped mine and so many others lives from being dreary and exhausting. If we were all more understanding and open about our struggles it would help not only ourselves, but also make everyone that much more honest about our struggles and maybe then we wouldn’t feel so fucking alone.
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