I remember the night before my high school graduation. I couldn’t sleep, I was tossing and turning in bed, crying thinking about all the immense changes that would come in the following months. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, I knew that those changes were finite. They would last 4 years and then I would be done. I then moved to another country for nine months, moved back, and went to college during a global pandemic, all while making a name for myself in my sorority, extracurriculars, classes, and friendships.
The real slap in the face came after college graduation. I couldn’t wait to be done. I was ready to be out of school and onto my real life. People tell you that if you want to succeed, go to college. But what they don’t tell you is that even if you do everything right. Go to college, make friends, study hard, get involved, all of it; there is no guarantee that you will land on your feet after graduation. On the contrary, the guarantee is that you won't.
My friends who got steady jobs right out of college and have been making good money don't feel fulfilled. The people making a difference in the world by being teachers, or nurses, hate their jobs. Finally, the people who don't have steady jobs and are trying to find meaning are the most lost and unfulfilled. The latter is about myself.
I have held many jobs. From a nanny, to a law clerk, a bartender, a tutor, a teacher, a salesperson, the list goes on. I have a long list of skills that feel like a list of accomplishments when in reality it is looked at as “unfocused career potential” while the people who only have one or two jobs in the same field “lack diversity”. It's a lose-lose situation that not a single person can navigate.
The unfortunate truth about post-graduate life is that nobody wants to talk about how much it fucking sucks. I went to a friend's engagement the other day and only one or two people were honest about their disdain for corporate life and their longing for more. Not everyone you greet with “How are you” has to answer with their existential dread biography, but it would be nice to know that we are all struggling in silence. I for one am struggling loudly.
I went to California in March of this year and fell in love. The state, its nature, the weather, the people, it's a gorgeous place with a magnificent population. So when I came back I started to conclude that I was going to move to California and become something great; I wasn't sure what that would be, but somehow I would do it. I was going to move cross country, find a hot guy, fall in love, become successful, and live happily ever after. HAHAHAH who the fuck did I think I was???
A week or two before I went to California to scout apartments I started to get crippling anxiety, This was not the first episode for me, and unfortunately will not be the last. I have had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder for around a decade and have had bouts of amazing times and bouts of time that I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. This was one of those times. The trip was booked and so was the hotel, the car, and the apartment showings. There was no turning back.
When we arrived in California, it was one bad omen after another. Every apartment was horrible and overpriced, the weather was bad, the hotel was dirty, and I no longer felt romantic about the idea of living there. I came to the gut-wrenching conclusion that I was going to have to stay home for at least a year to get back on my feet and save up money for this potential move.
On the plane ride back I felt stupid. In college, I learned to put myself out there, try new things, and talk to strangers, but I had overestimated my abilities by a few hundred yards. I was not okay and I felt like a failure. I was two weeks out from needing to leave my apartment, no 9-5 job, and no prospects, I felt like I was walking around with a huge sign on my back that said “this bitch is stupid, let her know”. But alas, I got home and got to work. I found a few beautiful apartments, but they were all out of my price range. I finally found one that felt like home, but even getting it was a job and a half. The day I moved in was stressful and expensive. I then crashed my car that same night. It felt like every move was being cursed by god and punching me in the face.
This is not a happy ending story. I just finally got my bed frame and TV. All my packages are coming late, I'm scared of what my FPL bill is going to be next month, but that's what I'm trying to tell you. This is the reality. No one. And I mean no one talks about the hardships that come with graduating college. I cry almost every day. I think about how different things would be if I had gone to school for business or medicine like a smart person, but instead, I studied fucking journalism. WHO THE FUCK STUDIES JOURNALISM???
I don't know what I want to be, who I want to be, or if I even like who I am. My whole world has been thrown for a loop ever since graduation. I no longer feel stable and loved. My friends are far away, my family is far away, my mind is elsewhere, my emotions are numb, and my mental state is rocky.
Hopefully shortly ill be writing you to tell you about all the Simchas (good things) that are happening in my life, but for now I wanted to tell you all the shitty stuff, because maybe if you're reading this, you won't feel like such a failure as I do. I hope that I, and whoever is reading this feel a little less crazy because I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I cry going to the grocery store, I cry at work, I cried when I didn’t have wifi at my new apartment. Life is fucking hard, and the more we talk about it, maybe it wont feel as hard.
With the utmost love and affection,
Lily
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