The last time we spoke, some would say I was going through a dark time . I didn’t know what to do for a career (still don't), I was single (still am), in a depressive state (on my way out), and struggling to find a purpose (in the works). I was struggling with anxiety, depression, and OCD; what can I say? I'm what they call a "triple threat."
In the last few months since I vented on the internet, I have done some soul-searching. This “soul-searching” has involved going to the movie theater alone, going to hot yoga so much that regular yoga feels like a sick joke, going to the beach in the middle of the day, and trying to feed myself like a toddler. But more on that later.
Doing things alone has been a source of comfort for some time now. My sister thinks I'm an antisocial weirdo who will end up going insane if I don't involve others in my plans, but I genuinely love nothing more than doing things alone. If doing something alone scares you, I'll be the first to tell you it'll change your life.
Being alone at the beach, the movies, the grocery store, or the gym, is the most liberating thing someone can do. It’s an act of self-love and security when you can walk into an intimidating situation alone and be like “Ya I got this, give me popcorn and a diet Coke please”
The beach is probably my favorite activity to do alone. Going to the beach, bringing some grub, whipping out the beach chair you keep in your trunk, and listening to some music while watching the waves crash is what I imagine heaven is like. If I make it there, I want to sit by the ocean for eternity. And if I don't, I hope I get reincarnated as a wave that crashes onto the shore repeatedly. Enough that my stomach feels upside down; like sitting down after riding a rollercoaster. The birds, the feeling of the sun cooking me, the babies with their sandy chubby legs. I've never done drugs but being oceanside must be what Acid feels like. (someone pls confirm)
Going to the movies alone has been like a slow-burn, enemies-to-lovers romance. I first went to see a movie alone during college, and it was to see Everything Everywhere All At Once. If you have seen that movie, you know that's like getting on I-95 at 5 pm in Miami to drive for the first time. It was like diving into the depths of the Atlantic Ocean to learn to swim, but in some way, it was the perfect way to start my journey. Sometimes you need to be pushed into the deep end. After I saw EEAAO alone, I was addicted. I prefer to see movies alone now. No stupid questions from Mom, no mid-movie thigh touch from a date. Just me, the big screen, and my subsequent Letterboxd reviews.
Another thing I've been doing for about a year now is yoga. I can't get down with the whole yogi lifestyle, but the practice of yoga makes me infinitely happier. I want to shvitz like never before, try to do a headstand, fail, and then come back the next day and try again. The whole spiel with yoga is they call it a “practice”. It's not technically a workout or a class, it's a practice. So they teach you more or less the same thing every time and you work on your balance, strength, mental awareness, and breathing, all while some dude behind you is distracting you with his breathing or pool of sweat.
Yoga has brought so much into my life. Even though it's not my whole personality, it makes me happy and helps me feel like I'm more than just a body, but a soul and a mind. Tonight during my shavasana (final pose), the teacher said
“Give yourself credit for all that you are and all you can do. There is a reason you were incarnated into this body.”
It made me think about how I am so rough on my body. Mentally, I never shut up about how I could be thinner, taller, have a better nose, a better chin, better toes, a better butt, the list goes on. Physically, I put my body through a lot; running, biking, yoga, work, all while getting banged up, bruised, scratched, and pulled. I never take a minute to think about how resilient and special it is to be in my body. A body that is healthy, strong, beautiful, and takes care of me even when I'm not treating it right. I think of my friend who survived cancer and how I'd kill for her body, but she would kill for healthy cells. These things are the kind of thoughts I need to be reminded of, because if not, the noise in my head gets too loud to remember.
As for my relationship status; it remains the same. The old men at my job ask if I'm seeing anyone and I have to break it to them that boys my age want nothing to do with me. I think boys like the idea of me. I'm smart, funnier than them, outgoing, sexy (obvi), and rich as fuckkkk (kidding but let me manifest). Men think “Wow she's a great catch” but then they realize that they have to put in work instead of sending a “WYD” text once a day to impress me. Men have lost their gusto. They used to yearn and go to public places to catch a glance at their crush. Now they ghost you and then view your story until you die. I'm pretty pessimistic at the moment, so talk to me in a few months. (I'll probably be even more pessimistic)
As previously mentioned, I've been trying to eat like a toddler. Now I don't mean that I eat 900 calories a day and can't sit still for a meal. I mean I try to feed myself like I love myself. The toddlers I babysit, or see on social media, are always eating colorful, nutrient-dense things that nourish their growing bodies and keep them satiated. I started to think, “Why don’t I feed myself like I love myself?” and so it began. I eat fruit and drink real milk (not the unpasteurized shit, please stop with that). I eat and drink things that fuel my body and make me happy. However, I do add in a DC now and again.
That may be all the updates I have for now. Still a lot up in the air, still a lot I have no clue about, but learning slowly and trying to keep my chin up as I do. I hope you are doing the same and nourishing your body and soul as well.
Stay out of trouble and don't be a stranger.
With Love,
From Lily
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