Everyday there seems to be something prettier and shinier that we want. Whether that is caused by media, fashion, or literature is unclear, however it is a fact that our access to these things has never been so pervasive. One aspect of civilization that had been stable for some time was dating and marriage. However, when the first online dating website premiered in 1995, there was a seismic shift.
The steps to success in love had once been straightforward and unchanged:
Step One: A man sees a woman
Step Two: He courts her
Step Three: They get married
Step Four: They either die together or get divorced (Which brings us back to Step one)
*I know this sounds incredibly heteronormative, but just for the sake of a simple argument, please disregard it.*
This four-step formula seemed to work, but with the changing times came changing tides. The introduction of dating profiles effectively reduced individuals down to a 150-character biography and a few of their best photos. The human interaction that used to take place at the grocery store or the library is now obsolete.
Young people are starting to recognize the harsh downsides to the convenient online-dating realm. I talked to Daniela Beck, 19, and Cindy Alonso, 21, about their experiences with online dating.
“Hookup culture has people forgetting there’s a human on the other side of the screen… and the quick matches enhance our need for instant gratification, so people don't know what it takes to build a strong and lasting relationship,” they agreed.
Why would someone put themselves out there to maybe get rejected when they can essentially play an online game with no real world consequences? People are getting married later because they can't get themselves to commit to one person. This goes back to the shinier prettier thing.
The Ice Cream Theory
If you go to an ice-cream shop and get vanilla, even though vanilla is a safe and tasty choice, if you look at all your other options on your way out, you may have regretted limiting yourself. I hate to compare people to ice cream flavors but it's a good analogy so bear with me. Social media and dating apps are the ice cream shops. There are so many beautiful, single people that it makes it hard to not compare.
Back before the internet, you would probably see a handful or two of genuinely beautiful people in your lifetime. Three of which would be in magazines, two your coworkers, and the rest were perfect strangers that you would never have the balls to talk to: except one. The one that falls into the category of beautiful but approachable could by some stroke of luck become your life partner. It’s not normal to see as many gorgeous people as we do nowadays. We see them everytime we open our phones. This causes us to doubt; our looks, our partner, our job, and everything in between.
Connection or Disconnection?
When the walkman came out, consumers thought it would be the end of humanity. They thought young people would never take off their headphones and experience the world around them. Little did they know the disconnection would come decades later- in the form of swiping left or right.
The opportunity to have sex with a complete stranger has never been easier. There used to be only one way to find a potential partner: to put yourself out there in real life. There was no preconceived notion of casualness, no lawless dating, just plain old simple dinner and maybe a kiss at the end of the night. Now there is an underlying assumption that even though you are on a so-called “dating” app, most of the people with profiles are not really looking to date. Most of the time, sex is the beginning and end of the conversation. Whether that be both parties' intention or not, it sets a troubling precedent.
The tone that it sets is that of a business transaction.
Step One: Boy swipes right
Step Two: Girl swipes right
Step Three: They meet up and have a sexual encounter
Step Four: They never speak again
This business-like transaction has garnered unexpected consequences. The average age of marriage has gone from 25 to 34 in a matter of decades.
“When I was single in San Francisco, it was impossible to have a live conversation with somebody… but in New York, people came up to me. However, it's always the ones at the gym or in an elevator. The weirdos persist, but the normies switched to online,” says Dory Ruby, a 39-year-old marketing strategist.
The dating pool is bigger than ever, but the likelihood of those people actually meeting is slim. It’s easier to get into contact with people you never would have otherwise, but it’s also easier than ever to cut contact without any repercussions. Back in the day, there was some sort of moral code with dating. It involved a call to the house phone or a ring of the doorbell. Now, a DM or a text can make or break a budding relationship.
My Delusions in Dating (don't judge, we've all been through it)
I personally have downloaded and deleted every dating app known to man. A couple weeks ago my friends told me to download Bumble. She said bumble gives the notion that you're looking for something serious as opposed to something like Tinder; so I caved. I downloaded it, answered some dumb prompts and added my 6 best photos that (I hope) accurately portray what I look like. I matched with a 26-year-old that seemed perfect. He was handsome, Jewish, went to a good school, dressed well, he seemed to have it all. Fast forward to the first date, and I find out he doesn't even live in Florida. I stupidly held out hope that he would fall in love with me and subsequently move to Boca Raton to be with me like some sort of god-damned fairytale. Instead he tried to have sex with me and then it fizzled out. I thought we really clicked, when in reality he just wanted to get into my pants. This tall tale is a common miscommunication between people through dating apps.
What Does The Older Generation Think?
“With the dating scene changing rapidly, we see less heart and more of a deal between people. When I was young it was really different. People met each other in real life, not on an app” Bruce Sherman, 66, explained.
Bruce met his wife Carolyn on Match.com in 2020, but they had both been married at least once before. Bruce is Carolyn’s second husband, and Carolyn is Bruce’s fourth wife. He told of the ways he met his earlier wives.
“You used to get married earlier and say to each other ‘I will love you forever and whatever happens i'll still love you’ but now since there are so many options, you have to put up with less. You can be picky and wait but you might die before you find the one.”
His wisdom comes from trial and error and learning that being with someone just to say you are, isn’t as special as being with someone you truly have a connection with.
In Summation:/
The point is, whether it is a good or bad thing, there is a clear difference between love now and love 30 years ago. There are a million more variables that had never even been a thought until the age of the internet. Maybe it’s not all bad, I know many people who have met their soulmates through online-dating, but is it just the luck of the draw or is there a secret strategy I'm unaware of?
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