“What do you want to be when you grow up?” is a commonly asked question that grows more and more pertinent as you age. When you’re five years old and someone asks you that, you can say a chef, an artist, or the POTUS and it seems entirely possible and usually your response will be greeted with a look of hope and wonder. As if there is nothing you cannot do or become. And yet, when you enter high school, it is no longer cute or endearing to say that you want to be an astronaut. If you dont have a 5.0 GPA and stellar extracurriculars there is not a chance in hell NASA will give a fuck about you or your wild dreams.
When I was around ten years old I wanted to be a celebrity chef. I binge-watched all of the food network and specifically loved Rachel Ray. I legit thought I was going to have a show on the food network where I showed people how to cook. I then burnt a chicken and that dream was crushed. I then moved on from that and wanted to be an artist. I took pottery and painting classes after school and realized that I was mediocre at best at artistic pursuits. Following that there was the tennis player, makeup chemist, youtube influencer, and finally the magazine editor.
I went through a bunch of different phases of what and who I wanted to be. I was always changing my mind and thought I was doomed to never find a thing that I loved. There is a saying “jack of all trades, master of none, but that is better than a master of one”. I'm not sure who said that, but it is honestly a great quote. It makes me feel less bad for not having one specific thing I am interested in, but my wants and needs vary in a lot of ways and that is okay.The thing is, I still don't know who I am or what I want, and that's okay. I always pressure myself to know all the answers all the time but in reality, no one knows all the answers, not a single person. There are so many variables in life, there is no certainty, so maybe we should find solace in the unpredictable thing that is life.
But then again, if we just give into the fact that life is unpredictable we would all just be shroom-addicted hippies that are just “going with the flow” and not getting anywhere in life. Living in the moment is something we all aspire to do, but if you spend all your money in one place, then you're not planning for your future. And if you don’t go out and sleep with random people in your twenties then you’re wasting your time as a youngen. It is a catch-22 to say the least. It seems like we can never be old enough or young enough. I just turned 21 and the pressure to have a boyfriend, a job, a career-path, and your shit together is almost too much to bear.
I remember seeing my cousins when they were in college and thinking about how they all were so grown up and had their lives in order. That may have been my naive little self being optimistic but not that I am in college and have seen the world a bit more, I see that no one my age has any idea what they’re doing. I dream of having kids one day and making a family for myself but I also can’t imagine having something that depends on me to live. This is kind of becoming a downward spiral for my future and I don't mean to worry anyone who is reading this, but the point of this seemingly aimless rant is that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Being ahead of the game, or behind comes few and far between because the people you think have everything figured out are lying to themselves and you. As long as we live, there will always be one thing that is certain, no one has any fucking clue what is going on. So be kind to everyone because everyone is just as scared and confused as you are.
With Love,
From Lily
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